It's Contract Time

Title: It's Contract Time

Author: Aratlithiel

Summary: Shirebound and Buidgielover negotiate with the object of their H/C

Category: General/Humor

Rating: PG

August 21, 2004

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A/N - Done as a birthday mathom for Shirebound. Budgie and I had been discussing how Frodo would never agree to renew his contract with either she or Shirebound if they kept putting him through the ringer in their fics. As always, silliness ensued.

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IT'S CONTRACT TIME

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“Ahem. I believe it’s time we began…?

Shirebound looked from her co-complainant to the mediator and then to the small, sullen dark-haired figure that sat next to the wizard.

“We’re ready if you are,” Budgielover responded.

“All right, then,” Gandalf began and placed a comforting hand on the hobbit’s shoulder. “Frodo…er, my client is seeking dissolution of his contracts with both Shirebound and Budgielover and cites undue pain and emotional distress as his reasons for the action. We have been unable to come to an agreement with the co-complainants and they have decided to sue for breach. We are here, dear lady,” he said with a charming smile to the mediator, “under order of the court to seek a compromise.”

Aratlithiel smiled back as she peered over the rims of her glasses at the wizard. “Very well said, good sir,” she replied sweetly.

Gandalf sketched a small bow. “Thank you, good lady. And may I say that you look exceptionally fetching today in your jeans and soccer shirt? That mud stain across your cheek and nose only highlights the fairness of your skin and the curls escaping from that ponytail give your face the delicate framing it so deserves.”

Aratlithiel blushed and giggled girlishly. “Oh, Gandalf,” she said shyly. “You do have such a way--”

“Ahem,” said Budgie.

Aratlithiel gave her a sideways glance and scowled. She shuffled some papers and turned to Frodo.

“Now, then, Mr. Baggins--”

“Please,” interrupted the hobbit, “call me Frodo.” He lifted his lashes slowly and gave the moderator a smouldering blue gaze from his half-lidded eyes. “After all, it is my hope that we shall be friends.”

“Friends,” repeated Aratlithiel as she reached up and slowly pulled the band from her ponytail, letting her hair flow to her shoulders. “I would like that very much,” she drawled as she toyed with her glasses and directed a dreamy smile to the hobbit. She sighed.

“A-hem,” said Budgie.

“All right!” said the moderator. “Now, Mr. Bag-- Frodo,” she corrected as the hobbit made to protest. “Can you tell me why it is that you’re seeking dissolution of your contracts with Shirebound and Budgielover? I understand they’ve been quite instrumental in keeping you active in fanfiction and they are rather well thought of in the community. It would seem as though the arrangement has been amicable.”

“Hmph,” said Frodo.

“Hmph?” asked the moderator. “Would you mind expanding a bit?”

Frodo looked to Gandalf who nodded encouragingly. “Certainly,” he said and pointed an accusing finger at Shirebound. “That one has tried to kill me countless times.” He turned the finger to Budgielover. “And so has that one. Nothing in my contracts state that I must be on the brink of death at their whim. They have abused the spirit of the agreements and I am tired of having to choke down vile concoctions and submit to embarrassing examinations for the sake of cliffhangers.”

“Those are serious charges,” Aratlithiel said, turning to the complainants. “How do you answer?”

Budgie gawped back like a deer caught in headlights. “But…but…” she sputtered, “We’ve written you some very nice scenes as well.”

“Name one,” Frodo shot back.

“Well…” she began and thought for a moment before her eyes lit up. “There’s always the lovely crisp sheets and cool linens we provide for you.”

“Yes, in my sickbed after you’ve written me some horrid disease or injury.”

“And the wide assortment of foods and teas we arrange,” Shirebound put in.

“Again in the sickbed,” Frodo pointed out.

“All right,” Budgie responded, “how about the sled ride on Boromir’s shield?”

“You mean the one I got to take right before being captured by orcs?”

Budgie flushed. “Well…erm…”

“There was the lovely camping trip you got to take with Aragorn and Sam and Bilbo,” Shirebound interjected.

“Ah, yes,” Frodo returned. “That would be just after I almost died from swamp malaise and right before almost freezing to death rescuing Aragorn from the ice.”

“But what about all of the lovely baths,” Budgie wanted to know. “All of the TLC and pampering and such which--”

“Which wouldn’t be necessary if you two did not write him into these fixes in the first place,” Gandalf growled.

“Now, really, is that fair?” Shirebound asked turning to Aratlithiel. “If I’d known I would have to deal with a wizard of all people, I might have worn my white dress with the low-cut bodice instead of this homespun.”

“Yes,” agreed Budgie. “And we might have dragged Arwen along by her pointy ear as well to give him some distraction.”

“Gandalf!” Frodo chastised. “Have you been peering into the royal chambers again? I thought they’d repaired those holes.”

“They have,” the wizard replied steadily with a lift of his bushy brow. “But they have not, as yet, discovered the hobbit-height ones.”

Frodo blushed spectacularly and cleared his throat. “I believe we’ve wandered from the point.”

“Yes,” Aratlithiel agreed. She turned to Budgie and Shirebound. “Mr. Baggins has several good points here and I’m afraid I tend to agree that he’s been put through much hardship. Can you ladies give me one reason why I should not find for him and dissolve these contracts?”

Shirebound and Budgie blinked at each other, turned to Frodo and then back to Aratlithiel.

“Shirebound gave him a puppy,” Budgie said confidently.

“A puppy?” Aratlithiel said. She turned to Frodo. “Is this true, Mr. Baggins?”

Frodo hung his head and scowled. “Yes,” he admitted.

“Well, that puts things into a very different light,” said the moderator.

“And besides,” put in Shirebound, “if you dissolve the contracts, there will be that much less for you to read yourself.”

Aratlithiel frowned. “That’s a very serious consideration.”

“And,” said Budgie with a lift of her chin, “it’s Shirebound’s birthday.”

“Oh, well, that does it, then, doesn’t it?” said Aratlithiel. “I find in favor of the co-complainants and order Mr. Baggins to continue honoring his contracts until they run out in fifty years…or so.”

“How did she get to be the moderator, anyway?” Frodo wanted to know.

Gandalf waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, she used to handle contract negotiations or some such once upon a time – back when she had a real life. She doesn’t like to talk about it.” He stopped, leaned closer to Frodo and whispered, “She has children now. You know – no life and all that.”

“Ah,” Frodo said and nodded sympathetically then gave himself a shake and scowled. “None the less, I have some issues with her, as well, you know.”

“And we’ll take those up when that contract expires,” Gandalf assured him. “But for now we’ll take our defeat with good grace, shall we?” Frodo rolled his eyes and sighed. Gandalf patted his shoulder. “Come, lad. Let’s get back to the others before one of these lovely ladies posts another chapter.”

Frodo nodded and made to follow Gandalf. He stopped and turned, looked to Shirebound. “Happy birthday,” muttered grudgingly. He glanced up, hesitated then climbed on a chair and dropped a kiss to her cheek. “But I’ll be wanting more of the puppy.” He rejoined Gandalf then stopped again. “And perhaps a kitten.”

Gandalf clapped him on the shoulder. “Let’s go, my boy.”

“And how about a rabbit?” Frodo said as Gandalf steered him out of the room.

“I’m sure they’ll see what they can do.”

“Or fish!”

“You can’t have fish.”

“Why ever not?”

“Because you would need an aquarium and those require electricity. Last I checked, Middle earth had not discovered it yet.”

“Well, I’m sure you could rig something up with your staff. It ought to be useful for something, after all.”

“No fish.”

“I’ve heard snakes make lovely pets.”

“Well, I don’t know how Bilbo would feel--”

“And there’s always mice…”

“Don’t you think you’re getting a little carried away?”

“…and I hear ferrets are very friendly…”

“Oh, good grief.”

“Are there hamsters in Middle earth? Hoy! Stop pushing!”