(07/07 -- This was sent months ago to me by a friend, and I can't ever seem to arse myself to put the link here. But, since at least five or ten people are still coming over here every week from f_w, which... just... *shakes head* Never mind. Anyway, this is more of a response than I'd intended, because no response is the best response when you're dealing with the reading-comprehension-challenged. But since no response is really not my style and I just can't make myself care enough to come up with my own, THIS will have to do.)
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed that all right-thinking people will accept without question. ... Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. A genuinely unfashionable opinion is almost never given a fair hearing, either in the popular press or in the highbrow periodicals."
~George Orwell
"The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence."
~Ayn Rand
Things Wot Tick Me Off
(Or: Why I Left Fandom And Learned To Live With No Feedback)
(Or: In Which I Probably Manage To Piss Off Just About Everyone)
by Me
January 25, 2007
Writing versus Fun and so forth:
I should start by clarifying something: I have not, in truth, left fandom. I have left lj, but believe it or not, there used to be a difference and stubborn twat that I am, I still cling to that difference. Because fandom did not always mean lj and before lj, I truly enjoyed fandom. But that's another subject I may or may not get to here. For now, let's just say that I do still read the occasional story, leave my feedback when I've enjoyed said story, and I do keep in touch with those who are interested in keeping in touch with me. I also still write. A lot. And I still post some of what I write. Not so much. So, I have not, in fact, left fandom.
What I have left is the daily assault on my temper and my sanity that lj was. A friend of mine frequently rolls her eyes and insists that lj is simply some university's sociology experiment and there's a bunch of students cloistered away somewhere, studying the effects of stupidity on the common fan. And more and more, I tend to agree with her. Because lj, for someone like me, is sort of like a one-way glass, through which I watch people who call themselves my 'friends' say and do things that I would not tolerate in a stranger on the street, let alone an actual friend. And I say it's like a one-way glass because it's not like a person can go about calling people on their bad behaviour at every turn. Oh, sure, there are times when I've reached an absolute limit and exploded all over lj, but it's not like that's something a person can do on a regular basis without people thinking they're just out looking for conflict at every turn, which I'm not and never have been. But I also have an extremely difficult time hanging back and watching bad behaviour, so I came to a point where I could no longer hang back at all -- it was either walk away or become the pitbull another friend dubbed me after one of my explosions.
And frankly, the frustration wasn't worth it. The people on an lj 'friends' list are not my friends, regardless of how many times they might call themselves that or assume intimacies I am not willing to give simply by virtue of their presence on that list. And I don't mean that in a bitchy, junior high school sort of You're not my friend, so neener, sort of way. But if you think about it objectively, it really does make sense. For the most part (with some exceptions, naturally), the people on an lj 'friends' list are people who are, at best, internet acquaintances, who know you only through a few pseudonyms and what you have chosen to post publicly; they don't know you, they have no idea what your life is like, they have no idea where you have been or where you are going. What they do or say ultimately has no bearing on your everyday life except as it pertains to your internet activities.
Anyway, I make this point because I think it's important and defines the 'me' you see in fandom. Because I didn't come to fandom for the 'personal' relationships (though I will say that I have been lucky in finding a few that have translated into real life relationships), I came for the Story of LOTR. (And I capitalise 'Story' intentionally because to me, it's an entity unto itself and worthy of proper-noun status.) I did not come because the actors made me swoon or for the sole purpose of getting them into bed with each other; I came because I love the Story and wanted it to go on and fanfic was a way for me to have that wish. I found many wonderful stories that I will keep and re-read and cherish -- probably forever -- and I found plenty that make me clench my teeth and want to choke someone.
But what I found most was that I didn't necessarily want to 'know' the people who write a lot of those stories, and that's the assumption of lj and its 'friends' lists: somehow, being on another's 'friends' list comes along with the notion that you have to not only read that person's stories (and comment) but that you also have to read the posts they make on their personal lives (and comment) and you have to agree with them politically (and comment) and that you have to tell them all about yourself in turn (and let them comment). Which I'm willing to do up to a point -- meaning, when I have time, I will read a fic and if I like it, I will comment; if I have developed a familiarity with someone over the years, I will probably comment to a personal post, again, if I have time; if they have posted something I find politically interesting and if I have time, I will probably comment and express my own opinion; and if I'm in a good mood and have some news I'd like to share, I might just do that -- if I have time. And more, I will do all of that honestly, and that shouldn't be something I have to point out but it is, because far too many seem to only have a passing-acquaintance with the word and even less so the meaning. And even when people ask for honesty, they don't really seem to want it. Just try doing beta, if you don't believe me. And truly, I don't mean everyone; there are plenty of people in fandom whose contact I enjoy and it's a real shame that I am the kind of person who just can't disregard the bad and enjoy the good, but I can't, so there it is.
But anyway, those things listed above are as far as I've ever been willing to go and it's always been at once semi-amusing and quite enraging for me to understand that that's simply not enough for some -- if you're on that List, man, you'd better be prepared to leave your comments regularly and feel guilty if you can't and you'd better be prepared to strip naked in front of some of them, too, because anything less displays you as a pretentiously pompous bint who thinks herself above the rest. And I got tired of playing the game.
It isn't a game, not for me. I was never there to make 'contacts' or to beef up my List so that bazillions would flock to me and comment upon my every word. I was there for the Story. And I'm still here for the Story -- it just so happens that my 'here' is different from most others' and for some reason, that's a Bad Thing. *shrug* M'kay. Most others came for different reasons than I did and I don't happen to respect a lot of those other reasons, but I'm supposed to quietly sit by and pretend I approve by my tacit silence? Um... no.
I cannot respect the reasons of those who are here for a pairing and only that pairing or for a kink and only that kink. And it's not because I think any pairings or kinks are wrong or that I'm judging others' reasons as less worthy than my own; it's because too many times I have seen writing take a backseat to pairing or kink. I have seen absolute crap, with trite plots (if any plot actually exists), boggling characterisations and see-Spot-run writing held up as fine examples of fanfic and all because it has Whatever Pairing or serves Whatever Kink. You don't have to be talented to get people to read and comment on your Frodo/Sam story; you just have to write it. And see, I happen to know this because I've written crap Frodo/Sam. I think the difference here is: I happen to know it's crap and every time I sit down at my computer, I work to get better. Maybe that still doesn't make me good, but it makes me better than many, because yes, it may be 'just writing fanfic' to some, but it's Writing, and if you're not going to do it to the best of your ability, you shouldn't do it at all. Or at least stop inflicting it on others.
And I think that right there is my sin in others' eyes: The writing I take seriously, fandom I do not.
Fandom can be fun, absolutely, and there are many who participate in it while still maintaining a bit of remove, of which I was never capable. And that's my own failing. I simply don't have the ability to witness ignorance and keep my mouth shut about it and I also am not capable of missing out on a good Story because I don't happen to like what I've seen of the person who wrote it, which seems to be rather prominent criteria for some and I'll confess I've never understood that one. It's a bit of cutting off one's nose to spite your face to miss out on something good that way, but eh, what do I care, really? As long as I get to enjoy things, I'm not terribly concerned with whether or not you do. And I've been lucky in that those few authors I do enjoy, I also happen to like what I know of them personally and by contrast, those who write things I think are reprehensible I have also found to be reprehensible, so I'm doing okay with all that.
Still, I would have a difficult time not arguing with someone who said they liked what Author A writes but just can't read it because while Author A writes lovely Pairing A, she also confessed to liking Pairing B in an unlocked lj post five years ago and this Gentle Reader simply has not been able to get over the betrayal of it all.
I've wandered again. I do that.
I think my point is that people can gravitate to fandom for whatever reasons, whether logical and lofty or illogical and illicit, but those who think they corner the market on why-I-am-here-and-everyone-should-agree-and-be-like-me are not only a lot less lofty than they seem to think they are, but somewhat amusing to someone like me. Now, I'm certainly not claiming any loftiness myself; I came to fandom for purely selfish reasons and I participated in it as much as I did for equally selfish reasons, meaning that I wanted to see it continue, which, at one point, made me happy. But the thing is: this particular fandom centres around writing and people seem to only think that's important when they're being praised for it; when they're not being praised for it, they claim it's all about fun and why are people trying to piss in their Happy Place? And the more I saw people sniping at each other and trying to tear down anything that did not agree with their own vision of How Things Should Be (which tended to change, depending upon whether they were currently being praised or not) while at the same time endorsing bad behaviour and low-rate writing, the more disgusted I got. People can't just pass by a fic or community they don't like or a pairing that turns them cross-eyed; no, that would be too civil. Instead, they will pretend at civility while talking about why what they don't like is wrong, all the while ignoring their own shortcomings.
Which is, come to think of it, not too far from what I'm doing here. But, see, the difference is: I'm actually saying it. I'm not pretending at any sort of civility, I'm not posting passive-aggressive snarks or poking fun at things I don't understand and I'm not passing judgement on those who think differently than I do. I am merely standing on my own principles and will stand or fall by their merits. And if you don't happen to think they have merit? *shrug* I probably don't care. I might, if you have polite, informative arguments and present them in a coherent, reasonable manner. But I find I'm one of the few who actually does that, so no, I probably don't care.
(And before anyone jumps on me with the You just passed judgement several paragraphs up argument -- no, actually, I didn't. I said I personally do not respect the motivations of some others, which is an opinion and not a judgement. There's a difference and judgements I keep to myself. I did learn at least a thing or two while in fandom.)
What I am talking about here is bias and prejudice and I know those aren't pretty words but they're oh, so applicable. And humans are biased, I get that. But I have always considered ignorance to be the worst of sins and any form of ignorance is abhorrent to me. And bias and prejudice are forms of wilful ignorance, which is even worse.
Follow me, now, and let's see where this goes. Because, honestly? Even I'm not sure where we'll end up. (Okay, I kinda do, but you'll have to wend through all of this with me first.)
Anachronisms and so forth:
So anyway, I've seen many, many posts in the past, voicing varying opinions on what is 'proper' in one fic or another, according to whoever is voicing said opinion. And you know, I've seen laundry lists of what certain people don't like, what 'throws them out' of a story, what makes them roll their eyes, etc., and really -- no two people agree on everything. And in all honesty, none of the posts I've seen are actually completely right. I saw one post, for instance (can't remember whose it was), on how the poster is driven to distraction over mantle versus mantel; another couple of people gnash their teeth over 'bairn'. (And just to set the record straight, both mantle and mantel are proper forms of the word when used to describe the fixture surrounding a fireplace, though I will concede that 'mantel' is the more accepted one; bairn is from Old Norse-to-Old English-to-Scots and therefore acceptable 'canon'.)
Now, that's not to say that whoever these people were, that they were wrong and should not allow these sorts of what they perceive as misuses to bother them. If that's their personal criteria for enjoying a story then by all means, they should stick to it. No, seriously. I can't stand when an author turns Frodo into a girl -- with or without the petticoats (and alas, there have been plenty of both) -- and that sort of characterisation always sends me screaming, so I'm the last one to cast aspersions on others who have their own standards on what makes a fic 'good' in their eyes. I mean, come on -- I have this unreasonable aversion to the word 'lips', ferchrissake, how judgemental can I possibly be on the subject?
But last year, I was subjected to a rather strict edit from a fanzine editor on one of my fics, during which I was compelled to defend (among other things) my use of the word 'upside', as in, "Are you completely off your head?" she hissed, thwacking him upside said head. The editor declared it anachronistic (she didn't like 'thwack', either), to which I replied that it was actually circa 1600 and so not an anachronism. The editor then replied that regardless of its origin, it sounded anachronistic to her… to which I replied, Oh! Well, if it's anachronistic to you then… um, too bad. (I want to note that the editor was extremely helpful in making the fic in general a better read, and is very good at what she does, so I don't mean this as any kind of criticism on her abilities, or personally -- this was a friendly disagreement between two adults.) Because truthfully, I don't pay much mind to anachronisms. If I'm writing a humour piece (which this was), I go for the funny and if something that might seem out of place to a few sounds funnier than something that wouldn't, I'm going for it and bollocks to whoever has a problem with it. I don't try to write 'Tolkien's Hobbits' because #1 - Tolkien is the only one who can write his hobbits and he's, you know, dead, and #2 - Tolkien's hobbits probably would not be rolling about having boy-sex, so trying to emulate him in all other ways but that one is rather pretentious and kinda stupid.
(I want to pause for a little aside here: Nobody writes Tolkien's hobbits. Some might think they do, but no, they really don't. They may have studied Tolkien's prose and verse and tried their damnedest to emulate his style and characterisation, but no. Just no. Because they either turn Pippin into a moron, which he wasn't, or they turn Merry into a shallow yutz, which he wasn't, or they turn Sam into a savant-saint, which he really wasn't, or they turn Frodo into a -- *sigh* -- girl/weakling/bitch/insert-bad-overused-characterisation-here. And honestly? Even if they did manage to imitate Tolkien's style, what would be the point? The whole idea of fanfiction is to make up for what we saw lacking in the original material and since it seemed that Tolkien would rather die than tell us about real feelings and their roots, who would want to read a fanfic done in his style?)
But back to me and anachronisms.
You know, even when I use a word that others think is anachronistic, it's probably not. Because I've been reading LOTR since long before a lot of you were knee-high to a hobbit and I'm betting I know better than you do. So maybe you could try giving some other poor author the benefit of the doubt. I've also had people try and argue points of canon from some of my own fics with me and you know, I certainly don't claim to be educated on every single arguable point out there and wouldn't dream of trying to speak for Tolkien, but I know my canon as well. So, if you see something in someone's fic that strikes you as anachronistic, my advice to you is to take the tiny bit of effort and look up the word's origin before you start griping about why it's anachronistic. Because seriously -- I have not seen one single post complaining about someone's 'improper' use of a word in which the poster was correct, and I'm not just talking about the technical aspect of anachronisms at their basic level.
See, the thing is: if you are 'thrown out' of someone's story because there is a word in there that you don't personally like or you feel is out of place, that is not the author's responsibility -- it's yours. An author is responsible for presenting her work to the very best of her ability, utilising every bit of talent in her possession to achieve the highest quality of which she is capable, researching her subjects and settings and presenting her characterisations as they present themselves to her interpretation. That's all. If that author has done her job, the rest is up to you and if you can't get past 'bairn' or 'express train' then that's your failing -- not the author's.
Now, I'm not sure if I'm the only one who's noticed this, but I do have to caveat that last with the fact that very few seem willing to do the above; I can't believe how many lazy writers are out there who toss up whatever fell out of their word processor during their two latte lunch at Starbucks and then expect everyone on that friends list to bow and give praise. Oh, but that's right -- the friends list does that and apparently the more poorly-written and trite, the better, because dayum, those sure rack up the comments…
Let's come back to that last point later.
I have seen people bemoaning the use of words like 'cock', 'pumpkin', 'orange', 'crank'… pretty much anything that 'sounds' like it doesn't belong to someone who believes herself to have some sort of authority on the subject. And for every person who thinks 'cock' doesn't belong in a slash fic, I can find you ten (me being one of them) who will object to euphemisms like 'member' or 'column of flesh' or any number of the more purplish substitutions. A pumpkin is not necessarily anachronistic in a world that has coffee and silk and potatoes and trains… (All right, I know it didn't actually have trains but it was a legitimate narrative device that has had eyes rolled at it for far too long. Authors are allowed to use anachronisms in narrative! Geez, hasn't anyone taken a creative writing course?) Orange was a colour before it was a fruit and cranks did not come into being with the first Model T. And people have been crank-y since the first caveman woke up with the very first sinus headache.
And anyway, unless we're all going to write in Westron, I think the argument for 'proper' or 'improper' uses of any word is rather moot. Because in truth, unless everyone in your Frodo story calls Frodo 'Maura', you're doing it wrong, too. (Of course, I'm actually rather grateful for that one, because it seems to me that calling Frodo 'Maura' would just be one more excuse to turn him into a girl, but that's another topic altogether.) Plus, it's Middle-earth and not Middle Earth; it's Ring-bearer and not Ring Bearer; it's Witch-king and not Witch King; it's Long Cleeve and not Long-cleave; and it's Barrow-downs and not Barrow Downs. Now how many of you make those mistakes, eh? And I'm quite certain no one crawled out of the woodwork to berate and snark at you for it. So, in reality, your house has just as much glass as everyone else's, so maybe you should watch where your stones are flying.
And, if we're going to get really picky about things, Frodo shouldn't have blue eyes because Tolkien described hobbits as mostly brown-eyed and Elanor's blue eyes were exceptional. In fact, 'my' Frodo doesn't have blue eyes and looks nothing like Elijah Wood, but there are many, many authors out there who can convince me that 'their' Frodo does. But what's really strange is that I have recently realised something about my own descriptive writing when it comes to Frodo: I don't mention the colour of his eyes in my fics (they're brown, in case anyone's wondering) because I know that the blue eyes have become fanon and any other colour is likely to throw a reader out of my story. I didn't even know I was doing it until discussing the issue with a friend in recent months. And you know what? There's a sort of wrongness about that. Why should anyone besides me get to say what colour my characters' eyes are or with whom they sleep? Even now I can't believe I've done this and want to kick my own arse over it all.
Bah. Another essay altogether. Anyway…
Preconceptions and so forth:
I've seen one author criticised for extrapolating a Pagan society out of Tolkien's Shire, when Tolkien himself handed us all the tools with which to do exactly that -- the rest of us just weren't observant or imaginative enough to snap it up and run with it. For those of you not aware, the Shire's calendar is actually the Pagan calendar, with slight variations. The names of the months and weekdays are Pagan names; the holidays are Pagan holidays. And yet people have written actual essays on why what this author did made them squint and raise their eyebrows.
So, what's really funny to me (in a not so much 'ha ha' sort of way) is how people will rail and weep over things they see as misuse of canon or words, yet generally have their own wobbly beliefs that they not only defend to the death but don't understand are wobbly to begin with. And I have tried to engage these people in polite debate, listening to their ideas and explaining my own -- even prefacing it all with a disclaimer that I really do want to know their opinions, that I really am interested in how they came to them and what foundations upon which they base them. But I have found, by and large, that people aren't the least bit interested in real discussion; they simply want to make their point -- right or wrong -- and not have to back it up with fact. End of discussion. I might want to hear their opinions, but they sure as hell don't want to hear mine. Which hardly ever prevents me from expressing them, but still.
I don't believe pre-Quest Book Frodo/Sam for one second -- never have, never will -- because you know what? It makes no sense. And anyone who really does believe that Tolkien put slash into his text -- whether knowingly or not -- is seriously fucked in the head. But tons of people believe whole-heartedly in the pairing and some of those who write it can even convince me of it in the context of their own stories. And maybe that's the difference right there: I'm willing to be convinced.
Too many people enter a story with no intention of being convinced, but with their own preconceptions on how the story should go. And their own preconceptions on what sorts of words the author is 'allowed' to use so that their own delicate sense of anachronism doesn't have itself a little tremor. And then get snipey -- sometimes downright mad -- when it doesn't go along with what they were expecting. I've even seen authors change the direction of a fic because readers started clamouring for a direction other than the one in which it was obviously going. And it makes me sad to see how very few know how just plain wrong that is -- both the sniping and the changing. Because anyone who takes Story seriously would not even consider changing it to please 'her public' and anyone who respects authorship would not dream of expecting it.
I really do find it hard to believe how many people read a fic because they think it will be exactly what they're expecting it to be. They have a certain evolution of plot that they like, certain characterisations they prefer, and anything that strays from their own formula is immediately dubbed Bad. Quality of writing hardly ever matters, which really just floors me since there is such an obsession with awards and so forth in this fandom. It should all be about quality of writing!! And one of the things I've always found both amusing and infuriating is the fact that so many people go on and on about how they're here for the fun of it, so really, they should not be subject to any sort of critique or advice that might spoil that fun, but then have themselves a good tantrum because they're not winning any awards. Absolutely amazing entitlement there. And to expect a story to go your way and refusing to allow it to lead you is no less astounding. And not in a good way. Especially for people who think of themselves and refer to themselves as Writers.
Make up your minds: either you are here for fun and the writing is a way to have that fun, or you're here for the writing and sometimes writing is not fun at all, but you're willing to take it for the benefit of the Story. Even if it means that Frodo and Sam don't end up in love with each other. Those really are the only two options and I can guarantee that everyone either fits into one category or the other. Unfortunately for me, someone who appreciates good writing and who believes in maintaining the integrity of Story at any cost, most everyone fits into the first category.
I can already see some of you going for that back button or plugging your fingers into your ears and lalala-ing at me and that's okay -- I'm used to people not listening to reason or taking what I say and twisting it to their own ends. I've encountered plenty of fundamentalists in my life and the fact that they exist in spades in fandom stopped surprising me long ago. Too many are perfectly happy to slide those blinders on, throw themselves on the floor and kick and scream, pretend they're under attack and then ask, 'Can't everyone just get along?' Well, no, we can't, and we can't because, as based in fantasy as this little fandom world may be, it's an offshoot of real life and no one gets along with everyone in real life. They just don't. It's kind of bewildering to watch everyone try, though -- I can't even count the number of times someone has directed a snarky comment or post my way and then ended said comment or post with a little winky-face and think that makes everything hunky dory. And then get all bent out of shape when I ignore the ;) and focus instead on answering their snark with slightly-more-educated snark. (And I can say that last not because I am pretentious and think I'm smarter than everyone else, but because I rarely argue a point upon which I have not educated myself.)
Anyway, I think there's a point in here somewhere and I think it's that more and more, I'm seeing these 'lines' drawn in the metaphorical sand, with people barricading themselves behind them and settling in for the bloody battle ahead. Some are defending their OTP, some are expounding on their idea of 'canon', some are trying to become online grammar tutors. What all of them seem to have in common is intolerance. And I don't mean intolerance in terms of Let's write bigotry into our Constitution because OMG GAY is BAD! I mean intolerance in terms of This is what I believe and rather than listening to others' ideas and enjoying a story for its inherent value, I will whinge about why I don't agree with everything in it. And hey, you know, that's everyone's right -- post what you want and as loud as you want and believe you're right and only read those things you agree with and all that bullshit that makes you happy. Sit in your hidey-hole and pretend you're not already firmly in a majority and that you need to defend beliefs that no one's actually attacking (because Jesus Christ, is there ever really going to be a shortage of Frodo/Sam fics?). Say that you're in fandom for the fun of it while at the same time taking serious issue with things that grate on your own personal sense of right. Talk about how you're here for fun, damn it, and why can't people just let you have it?!
Well, I came here for fun, too, and I have news for you: no one is going to let you have all the fun you want if it interferes with their own bit of it.
It really amazes me that people don't seem to know that. And it amazes me further that they also don't seem to know that all of their whining and judging and snarking is what causes the very dwindling of a fandom that they spend a great deal of their time lamenting. Did you really think that most of the good writers left because they ran out of things to write about or got bored? No. They left because they got tired of wasting their talents on people who don't care about a good turn-of-phrase but still feel the right to whine about a good story because Sam didn't get The Top.
Manners and honesty and so forth:
Sometimes I think the problem is a sense of perspective and the ability to understand the levels of 'seriousness' that each individual applies to their own fandom experiences. I, for instance, wandered into the LOTR fandom because I thought it would be fun. I mean, WOW! Fellow GEEKS! This is probably the one place in the world I could find where I could make a post that said only 'Frodo' and people would not roll their eyes but grin and wink.
But see, I stayed for the writing and I don't mean that just in terms of my own. I have found authors who believe in Story and who believe in maintaining the integrity of that Story and who work at telling that Story to the very best of their abilities. (See? I told you I'd get back to this.) These people take the writing seriously, they care about the quality of their work and they continue to raise the bar. And then we have those who talk about being here for fun and then invariably complain that they're not rewarded for having their fun by Fandom In General tossing awards at their feet like rose petals. These are the same people who tend to dislike those who have more talent than they do -- they don't dislike their stories, of course, because they certainly read them, though they won't admit it in public (but there are such things as site stats, just so you know, so really, people can tell), but they will talk in public about how they're not reading and how that idea to pair Frodo and Merimac came to them in a dream and isn't that an amazing coincidence?
But I started to talk about fandom and fun before I wandered again.
Most of the time, fandom is fun. But sometimes it isn't. It isn't fun when you see people wailing about an organisation you happen to be involved in; it isn't fun when you see someone insult a work that someone you care about has done; it isn't fun when people just 'pop by' to tell you how they're not reading what you're writing now because they abhor the pairing (because apparently, the story itself doesn't matter; only the pairing) but I can't wait until you come to your senses and start writing 'my' pairing again and it especially isn't fun when you happen to know that that person is reading what you're writing because you can see the hits from their friends page on your site stats or because they've used some of your more unique ideas or turns-of-phrase in one of their own fics (yes, I know about all of them, I know who has done it and how many times, and I know it when it happens to friends, too); it isn't fun when someone emails you to ask you why you're not reading their fic or when they pretend you no longer exist because you haven't been commenting; it isn't fun when you realise that people are not here for the original material or the characters or the writing -- they're here for only the kinds of pairings/scenarios/kinks they want to read about.
Wait, I want to skip back for a second and focus on this one: it isn't fun when people just 'pop by' to tell you how they're not reading what you're writing now because they abhor the pairing but I can't wait until you come to your senses and start writing 'my' pairing again…
Because here's the thing: That? Is not -- in any way, shape or form -- a compliment. I know that some of you who have said it to someone at some point have probably meant it as a compliment, but it really, really isn't. Because what the above actually says to the person at whom it's directed is: I only actually like what you write when you're writing my pairing; it has nothing to do with your writing in particular or the story you're telling and your writing could actually suck and I'd still read it because what matters to me is the pairing and that's all.
And that might seem to you a bit harsh, but imagine writing to someone like Mary Renault (yes, I know she's dead -- work with me!) and telling her that gosh, you really liked The Persian Boy and you've heard she's written another called The Last Of The Wine, and you would read it, but it doesn't have Alexander/Bagoas in it, so you'll just wait until she writes another one of those and then you'll read that. Seriously -- try to imagine the sheer brass it would take for someone to say that. Because that's exactly the same thing as telling someone you'll read their fics when they write a Frodo/Sam or a Merry/Pippin or Orc/Sauron or whatever. I mean, go ahead, by all means, and write to your favourite professional author and tell them all about what you want them to write and that when they comply, you will deign to read it. And if you go to their publisher's office, you might get to watch them blow their nose with your letter. Because it's enormously disrespectful and sometimes, for the author, somewhat painful.
But again, it's everyone's right and I wouldn't even consider arguing. If you are here for the pairings and that's all, then fine -- enjoy them, write them, read them and harangue people into writing them, too. If you are here for the kink, dive into the deep-end of the mud-pit and get down and dirty. But Jesus H, how about you stop pretending and just be honest, yeah? If you're here because Elijah and Sean make you damp, just say that and quit pretending that it's all about the Pure Love That Transcends Sex between Frodo and Sam (because seriously -- that attempt at the Moral High Ground quite loses its punch when you spend half your time making that claim and the other half writing stories in which Frodo and Sam fuck like bunnies). If you're here because you're into Boy-love but don't have the nerve to write it yourself, just say that, instead of forcing enemas on poor Frodo all the time (because honestly -- we all know the symbolism there, you're not fooling anyone).
What is it about being honest in a place where nobody knows who you are? What is it about pretending you're not reading a Sam/Pippin story because your Frodo/Sam friends might get all upset with you if you do? What is it about seeing someone act abhorrently and tolerating it quietly until someone else decides enough's enough and says something? What are you afraid to lose? I mean, if I wanted to, I could just go right now, start another lj under a different name and if I was careful, no one would ever know. So, what's the big deal? Why does everyone seem to care so much what everyone on the 'friends' list thinks when, if they were real friends, they would respect what you say and respect your opinions. And if they don't? So, they exit your list and your 'friends' count goes down by one or fifty. Oh, horrors! (And yes, in case you couldn't tell, that was heavy on the sarcasm.) Is that consequence really worth risking your own self-worth and self-opinion? Apparently it is, because so many do it. Or maybe your self-worth and self-opinion depend upon those numbers, which is, you know, just sad. And while we're at it, also not anyone's responsibility but your own, so maybe you could stop trying to make everyone around you responsible for making you feel good about yourself.
There have been many times since I've discovered fandom that I have sat back and really pondered over the ins-and-outs of it all. And many times I have felt out of step with the majority and wondered if it's just me or if others feel the same way and are just afraid to say it out loud. Not being one to keep my mouth shut in general, I've often blurted things in public posts about which others have come to me in private to say: Thanks for saying that -- it really needed saying and I just didn't have the courage. Which, you know, is nice, but I'll confess that it gets a little tiresome to be the mouthpiece sometimes, the one who takes the heat for saying the things that others seems to be thinking. And really -- what are you afraid of? This is cyber-space, for pity's sake, what exactly might happen to you if you just told the truth about what you like and dislike? I mean, how bloody ridiculous is it that there are 'politics' involved in something where people use fake names in the first place? Politics! And… and -- FAKE NAMES!
And hey, I get that a person shouldn't just go about spouting things that hurt others just because they can. There is such a thing as manners and I have pretty good ones. You don't grow up in a very strict 'children should be seen and not heard' household, attend Catholic school with a bunch of frustrated nuns who take every opportunity to take those frustrations out on the children in their 'Yay! Corporal Punishment!' classrooms and not learn your manners very well. But see, sometimes having manners means telling the truth and sometimes 'getting along' is just a nice way to say, kiss one and screw the other. And neither manners nor getting along should preclude honesty.
So, when I read a story I have enjoyed, I write the author and tell them so. (And I know it seems like I've skipped ahead, but this is pertinent, I promise.) Simple? Well, yes, it should be. It only takes a few minutes and it's not like I pay my internet provider by the email, so it seems only fair to me that I should repay the author for the enjoyment they've given me by telling them I have received enjoyment from their labour and their decision to share their product with me. Because these authors don't have to share their work with me. And I know some of you are reading this and scoffing, 'Yeah, sure, show me the author who writes and doesn't make their work public,' to which I say: you're looking at one. Because don't think for a minute that this little site holds everything I've ever written. What you see is probably about thirty percent of my output and while you really should be grateful that I don't inflict some of the crap on my hard-drive on you, I also know some of you will immediately dub me selfish for keeping some things back. To which I shrug and say: you know, you just can't please everyone.
Anyway, I was talking about manners as they apply to feedback.
Call me naïve but I really do believe that feedback is obligatory. And if I have read something and haven't given feedback, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm stealing. Because feedback is all fanfic authors get!! They don't get millions of dollars in royalties, they don't get to watch their fic climb the New York Times' Bestseller List, and they will never see their fic made into a movie. Feedback is all there is for fanfic authors. And to me, it's really bad form to take away the tiny bit of 'payment' they get for their efforts. No, it's not just bad form -- it's reprehensible.
Feedback and so forth:
All right, I've been dancing around this whole feedback thing and I think I'm just going to go ahead and dive right into it now. And that's not quite as easy as it sounds, because people can complain about feedback in general terms, but once you put it into more personal terms and use examples from your own experiences, it turns into 'sour grapes' regardless of how many people nod while reading along. But you know, I'm really, really bad at not saying things and I'm completely inept at trying to make a point through vague example and innuendo. So I'm just going to blurt things and take the chance that everything I say will be disregarded as whinging, because I know damn well that most people, even if they'd never dream of saying it out loud, know exactly what I'm talking about and agree.
So, let me get this part of it out right now so that there is no question in your minds as to my own honesty: I? Like feedback. I like to get feedback. I dislike it when I don't get feedback. No, scratch that last -- I dislike it when I know someone is reading and enjoying my work and doesn't bother to even thank me for making the effort of posting it where they can read and enjoy it. I dislike it when someone has requested that I email them a fic because they won't be buying the 'zine it's in and when I comply, they don't even acknowledge that they received it, let alone let me know if they liked it. I dislike it when I make a recommendation for another author's work and someone will go to the effort of thanking me for recommending it but won't bother to thank the author for writing and sharing it. And I dislike it intensely when someone is reading my work secretly and pretending publicly that they're not.
I learned a lot about people and feedback during the year I was posting the 'Counterpoint' series. I learned that many, many more people read than comment, and maybe you think I'm naïve for not knowing that before but I really didn't. I had no idea how many people were reading my fics until I started posting links in my lj and then looking at my site stats. And really -- I was scunnered. I mean, completely floored. There was one period during which I was registering about four-hundred hits per chapter over a two-week period and do you know how many comments I usually got on each chapter? Three. On average. Okay, sometimes five. And you know, these weren't people who were clicking on the link out of curiosity and then running away screaming; these were people following the link every two weeks and staying on the page for an average of twenty-seven minutes, so I knew they were reading.
I think that might also be when the fact that those on a 'friends' list aren't really friends finally sank home completely. I mean, I knew it before that, but it really hit me then. Because I learned that even people with whom I thought I had a friendly relationship, people to whom I have shown support or provided beta or whatever, people for whom I have made time to read/comment, will read your work and then pretend they're not. Why? I really don't know, in all honesty, because I never asked any of them and I didn't ask because I knew I wouldn't get an honest answer. And how do I know all of this? Well, I did mention before about seeing the hits from various friends pages, didn't I? I really can't tell you how disheartening -- and yes, hurtful -- that was to learn.
So, I started watching to see if this happened to others. I spoke with those real life friends I have made in fandom and discovered that they've had similar, if not the very same, experiences. There was definite personal hurt, yes, but I found that I was most upset over the principle of the thing. Because we go back again to that, 'We're all here for fun and why can't everyone just get along?' thing. And I've come to understand that even when people aren't saying things out loud for the sake of getting along, they're still being abhorrently dishonest -- it's that kiss her, screw you thing again. Not everyone, of course, but a lot of them. And really -- how is a person who knows there is this sort of thing going on supposed to respond to that dishonesty?
In my case, I either walk away or start confronting people. And like I said, you can't really confront people without sounding like you're whinging about feedback. Regardless of whether the principle is sound, the defence would be that you're just upset that you didn't get enough comments and there is no way to counter-defend yourself against that. Because, at least for me, yeah, that was part of it. Not all of it and not the most important part, but yeah, of course I didn't like it that people were pretending not to read, of course I hoped for feedback when I posted, or I wouldn't post in the first place. And no one would ever believe that I was more upset about the duplicity of it all than I was about the low comment count, even though I have made it a point to deal with everyone I have 'met' in fandom with honesty
See, I have never made it a requirement that a person read my fic in order for me to like them or their work. In fact, in a lot of cases, I would have preferred that people didn't read my work. I have never, ever, had a problem with someone just simply not liking what I do -- I don't actually care, because I like what I do, so whether or not others do is somewhat beside the point for me. Knowing others don't like what I do may affect what I do or do not post, but it could never affect what I do or do not write. Remember when I talked about Story? There you go.
So anyway, no, it is not a requirement that you like my work in order for me to like you or yours, so it was really quite an eye-opener to come to understand how feedback is used as currency in this fandom, how people can hold a grudge and refuse to comment on a story they're reading and enjoying because the author doesn't read or comment on theirs. Or maybe the author has 'too many readers and fans already' so you refuse to add your voice to the din. Or maybe you don't want your friends to know you've read a rape-fic and found some redeeming value in it (although I found that people are more willing to admit to having read and enjoyed a rape-fic than they are to having read a fic that paired someone in their OTP with someone else, and I just refuse to dip into the psychology of that one). Or maybe your more 'influential' friends (geez, can't help rolling my eyes over that one) don't like a particular author and you don't want them to know you're reading her work. Or maybe you think an author is so good that she wouldn't value your feedback. Or maybe the fic you've just read is a few years old and you think that makes it exempt from the feedback thing, because right, sure, everyone hates to hear that their work is withstanding the test of time. o_o
Or maybe you're just lazy and don't feel like working up a whole email or clicking that 'comment' button to say, I liked it very much, and thank you for posting it. Because yeah, that can be exhausting work -- all 30 seconds of it.
Or maybe -- just maybe -- you're using feedback as currency. For which I, personally, can only hope that payback is indeed a bitch.
One friend put it this way: If it were "you write good stuff" = "you receive feedback", then all would be well in Mudville. But it ain't. It is more like "you write good stuff" AND "you aren't TOO good" AND "you are my friend" AND "you gave ME feedback" = "you receive feedback"
And that's just… geez, I really just have no words.
I read something and enjoy it, I comment. It's as simple as that. And if you don't and if you think I'm judging you for that -- you're right, I am. Especially if you're an author yourself. Because shame on you. Do you think you are entitled to good fic at your fingertips? Do you think these authors owe it to you to post their work? Do you know how absolutely bloody rude it is to not let an author know you've read/enjoyed? Do you often accept gifts without bothering to thank the giver? Do you not bother to wave when someone lets you out in traffic? Because it's the same damn thing! Or worse and really -- Shame. On. You.
The thing is, the manners in fandom seem to be skewed in ways that just boggle me sometimes. We sit and watch as someone wails about how their drivel gets no attention and we lavish their trite little attempts at 'It's not about feedback, I don't care about feedback, look at me not caring about feedback' with platitudes and false praise, while people who actually contribute worthwhile fic to the community get zip. And I don't care how good an author is, she cares about feedback. Every single one of us cares about feedback or we wouldn't bother to post contact information. And for people to on one hand weep about how they don't get enough of it and then turn around and not give it… I know I keep using it but I have no better word than reprehensible.
And I realise that some people are not going to believe me when I say that I'm really not talking about me on this particular point. I mean, yeah, the same feelings apply and all -- I have no qualms whatsoever over saying I like to get feedback out loud -- but I'm talking about those authors who write things that move a person, authors who go to the time and trouble and effort of creating a universe that we can sink into and live and breathe, authors whose work is discussed in message boards and recommended one fan to another, and yet the authors receive nothing. Or close to nothing. I can't possibly be the only one who sees the wrongness in that.
Imagine fandom without those authors, without those worlds that take us in and make us see the sunsets and the spark of the moon on the river, make the characters step right off the page and whisper in our ears and tell us why they've done what they've done, why they love who they love. Imagine fandom without those new chapters you look forward to because there's a reason to look forward to them. Imagine it was 100% of the authors who were writing drivel, instead of the 80% it is now. Is that really what you want? If it isn't, I suggest you take a good look at how conscientious you are about thanking those authors for being out there and for sharing what they do with you. Because if you don't, as has happened so many times now that people are lamenting the 'death' of LOTR fandom, those authors might just decide that posting is no longer worth the effort.
And if it is what you want? Well, then, I suppose you should just go right on with what you've been doing and add your own nail to the coffin by your silence. Just don't go wailing in another couple of years that no one ever warned you. Because as an author who has gotten used to only hearing something worthwhile about my work from a very few, I have actually considered that it might just be worth my sanity to go back to the way internet fandom started: emailing my fics to those few who actually let me know they appreciate them and make me feel like it's worth sharing them.
And I'm betting I'm not the only one.
No, you know what? I've been talking about honesty here, so let me be perfectly honest with this:
I know I'm not the only one.
/fair warning
~*~